1104D

life hasn been gd lately....no this isn a post for anyone to sympathize with me..... i just felt like blogging this one..... this week has been quite a torture so far....thanks to you miah...but i'll keep my word.... the nights are fucking long .... if its not meant to be...its not meant to be..... the past 2 days ive been in my room..just living in my room..cut off from the entire world...except for a smoke when i take a walk along the empty streets at night...eating my pizza and my chicken wings while reading a sweet note from ducky.... i must say...i have realli gd frens out there for me...i m a lucky little one.... life's gonna be gd in singapore....chicks wise as well.....pun intended... i m sure everything will work out.....rough patches cant kill me....

anyway since this is a post to myself...i feel like thinking back into the past...and look back at how fucked up i was.... mmmmmmmmm..

020801 - 020102
the start of ian realising that he has the power to love....and be fucked.

this was the one that hurt the most..... SP shld know...since she is the one who is dam paranoid about it ....but yea u are totally right about this.... all started with frenly online icqing and shit...and dunno what happened...fate? love? whatever bull shit that happened that made me fall so totally into you...when i look at you...i cant take my eyes away...wldn call it the mistake of my life...tt comes later... but in fact...i din learn anything from this....it just ..how would u say it....totally fucked up my JC life....not tt it was any gd anyway...but it just made it worse..... it was so bad that max and i wanted to join recre bad with SCAT...tts how fucking bad it was....dsma...

dunno wats next....melon or jeth..... but both are just as fucked up....sorrah yc... i shall skip melon...

030203 - cant remember...barely a month
mistake of my life.... if u haven noticed...my life revolves around girls...and it always will..if u're similar....join the emo club... just the one or 2 gays out there that happened to like me...but tts just random...fuck off...

u were my best fren....why the fuck do u have to like me? now i have to be stuck with the guilt that i lost my best fren and broke ur fucking heart....it wasn supposed to be like that.... it was my mistake to even consider u in the first place..... i destroyed everything..but u are not totally innocent either... i remembered myself last time....i was so fucked up and i was a total wreck over skai...wat was there to like? anyway...u were out of my life since the day i broke up with u.... it just made me realise tt day that i dun need u anymore....all thanks to you.....

020304 - 311005
this one.....i realli dunno what to say man..... guess i was fighting fire the whole time.....another random get together...everything is so fucking random.... anyway this one got realli serious.... in fact i was realli happie for a while before things got ugly.... i thought i could seal the deal with this one...but no..it wasn to be.... too many problems...u were just too stubborn and so was i.....army din help...neither did all ur guys in uni who think they are all dam cool....and of cos maple story.....i mean who gets jealous over online chatting ....fuck... i wondered how we lasted so long....i wldn say it was a mistake tho......the memories that we had...it'll always be with me....thanks for all the shit u gave me...but thanks for all the great things that we experienced as well....

290506 - 140707
mm... i realli liked you..in fact i loved you... i realli wanted things to work out....u were so so nice to me..... u were willing to do anything for me...to make it work..... its me..... i dunno why...i couldn accept you....i dunno why i cant...its almost as if i dun wanna be happie....the moment we broke up....it made me realised that i need a girl in my life...to love and take care of me...and be there for me....but i dunno if it was you.......i cant say its not...but i cant say it is..... sighhh... but like we said....i have no regrets and neither shld u...because u made me the happiest guy in the world when we were together...and like i said...u were the special one....... somehow u just stood out among all the others..and u still do....i dunno why...i still dunno why....and i will never know why but tts the way its always going to be.....

on a side note...i wonder why u have been avoiding me online...i dun believe that u are busy....i believe something is up....and u just dun wanna tell me or let me know anything....wats up?
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now...here i m ...alone in my fucking room....thinking about you.... u may wonder who u are..you may think its you...u might be right...or u might not....theres something about you..tt makes me happie thinking about u..and sad thinking that u're not here.... i dunno if i need you or just need something..but i think i m more inclined to the first idea....make me happy... but everything as usual...is up to fate...

i shall continue waiting...
gimme something...
some hope...